End of school is tough on me. The relaxed nature of the kids having fun with their classmates. The feel of summer with kids biking to school, wearing shorts and staying up later than they should. Madox always loved the last few weeks of school, but in elementary, they just had field trips, movies and games. Who wouldn’t love the end of school? Madox shouldn’t be in elementary anymore, he should be finishing up grade 8. Sadly he is forever stuck in grade 3. My mind is a fog.
Last week his classmates all went on the school trip to Quebec. I viewed all the parents posting photos of their kids at the airport; group photos of students pre boarding; then photos the kids sent to their parents during the trip. One by one those photos ripped my heart apart. I was still happy for my friends, for Madox’s friends, to get this amazing experience. I just feel robbed. Where was my excitement standing at the airport with Madox? Where was my fear letting him go onto that airplane without me? Where were my texts and photos of historic sites he has seen? It was taken from us, and I still can’t accept that.
Now today is graduation day for the grade 8 class, Madox’s class. He never made it to this new school, so there is no connection there. The connection is his old classmates and friends. Of Madox not moving onto high school with them all. The missed experience of new things, like writing exams, managing life as the young kids of the school, or trying new sports. That won’t be happening for him, for us. Instead I sit at my computer with tears in my eyes, and a lump in my throat wishing I was at the school right now clapping for each new grad. Laughing at the kids all acting goofy with each other. Listening to the kids figure out who will be in each others classes. Standing with other moms and dads sharing fears and worries about the next year. We don’t get that because Madox died.
Some people act as if life can move on no problem. That we should be able to accept his death by now. He was only 9 years old when he was taken from us. 9 years old! No life experiences were done by 9. Life still continues after 9. How are we as parents suppose to feel when all his friends start to drive? Start to date? Get their first job? Graduate high school and move on to university? We will never accept his death, because there will be too many reminders, too many wonders, and what if’s. My mind is a fog and my heart aches.
I will continue to be happy for all his friends moving into the new waters of life. I will be proud of them, like I would be proud of Madox. I just hope some of his old friends remember him and miss him at grad.
Another Father’s Day has come and gone, and missing Madox has not lessened. Valin and I planned a nice day away for Marco. We planned a day of hiking out in the Whiteshell, called Pine Point Rapids (Trail). It was a long drive but worth it. The air was fresh, the trees were full and green, and the weather was perfect. I wanted to do something different this Father’s Day, to help Marco get through his broken heart.
We had a great day together. Sitting by the rapids, eating lunch and listening to nature. Just being able to be in that moment helped us get through the day without Madox. As we walked behind Valin running ahead with his dog, Marco and I would talk about Madox and how he should be running with Valin. We talked about the last Father’s Day with both his boys, which was hard to think about as Madox was so ill. It was good to remember but also to live in the moment of the day. I think it was healing for all of us.
Once we got home, Marco wanted to visit Madox’s plot. We still need to visit his plot on specific days, even though it just crushes us. As I sat on Madox’s bench, Marco knelt down at his plot. We give each other time alone to be able to speak to Madox about what is on our minds and hearts. Marco knelt there for a long while. The more I watched, the more I sobbed. Marco was so excited when Madox was born. So excited to be a dad again, to hold his baby boy. Now he cannot watch his son grow older. Will not teach him how to shave. Will never teach him how to drive. Will never have a talk about girls and dating. All that was taken from him and now he kneels down at his sons grave instead. Thinking about everything we are missing tears me apart. I wish it was so different.
So now we celebrate Marco, the father of 2 beautiful boys. The man who would do anything for his kids, and his family. The dad who can only hug one son now. The father who is broken inside but rises above his hurt to be present for his living son. We love you Marco. Happy Father’s Day.
Mother’s Day. A day of pure joy and pride. A day surrounded by love, kisses and hugs. A day of homemade cards and gifts. The life before cancer. Mother’s day now has a new meaning to me, as a bereaved mom.
Although I am proud of the amazing humans that call me mom, there will be forever sadness without both my boys by my side. As the years pass, the pain and ache is not as sharp and debilitating. The pain has dulled but still in the fore front of my everyday life. Holidays like mothers day still takes the wind out of me. I still can’t believe my arms lay waiting for that second hug, my cheeks without that kiss and the unknown of that missing card not made. It hurts. I hurt. I have recently been able to get through these holidays by appreciating the 9 years I had with Madox. Although short, I can remember his growth and the love he exuded.
I admire the young man Valin is becoming. I can step back and see how Valin has climbed through his loneliness and sadness for his brother. I see and feel his empathy to others. And he’s funny. Gawd he makes me laugh! Utmost awe and pride I feel when I sit back and think of everything Valin has accomplished. His kindness and heart living through a significant loss and set back. I can’t help but smile at the human he’s developed into. Naturally my mind reverts to Madox and who he would be. I know he would be as kind and empathetic as he was before cancer stole him from us, but I still wonder. Hard not thinking of these things on a day like Mother’s day.
Not all woman are lucky enough to have someone call them mom, which makes me sad for their yearning. Not all woman deserve the name mom, and I am angry at them for not adoring the life in front of them. Mom is a special, almost sacred word and should not be taken lightly. Some moms self blame for things they did or didn’t do for their children. I always thought I was a bad mom because I didn’t have more patience; I had high expectations of them; or that I yelled too much. Then I look at photos, reminisce certain memories, watch home videos and think about all the special happy moments together. I see their smiles and happinesss. I felt their love and hugs and heard ” I love you mommy” all too often. We mom’s tend to be harder on ourselves than anyone else can. We need to remember to be gentle on ourselves. I am still learning to do this but I am trying.
To all the mothers in the world, wishing you all a happy Mother’s Day. To the momma’s whose hearts are no longer complete after burying your child, I am so sorry and hope you are able to smile and remember the wonderful moments you had with your baby.
Thanks to your kindness and support, Madox’s Warriors 5th annual Kids Dance Party Fundraiser raised $19,000.00!
Thank you for your generosity!
On Sunday, May 5, 2019 we held our 5th annual Kids Dance Party Fundraiser and it was a great success!
We had dancing and music with Princesses, Superheroes, Photo booth, Face painting and two Sweets table. Many great packages from door prizes, silent auction and a raffle.
We could not have done this without the help of so many.
- Thank you to our dance committee who helped coordinate this event, Aileen, Jenn, Jacki and Laura.
- Thank you to all of our awesome volunteers who worked tirelessly that day to make everything run smooth.
We want to thank our event sponsors, we thank you for supporting us!
Thank you to all our supporters who generously donated prizes to our event!