Tag Archives: love
Thank you so much to Lexie and Jennifer Dubois for organizing and working the bake sale at Ecole St. Germain on March 23, 2016!
As written by Jennifer for the school website:
“Thank you to all the families of ESG for your donations of time, baked goods and money yesterday raising funds for Madox’s Warriors! With your generosity, we were able to raise $1,150.45! Thank you to everyone for all your hard work!”
AMAZING!! They raised THAT much for Madox’s Warriors while every item on sale was just $1! ONE DOLLAR! That truly blows us away.
We want to send a special thank you to Lexie. When your mom contacted us back in December about your idea, we were touched. We love that it was planned for Madox’s birthday week. You remembered his birthday and that meant the world to us because it tells us he is not forgotten. Now we know why Madox called you friend. You have a heart of gold!!
Day in and day out I try to live life. Some days I try to find the life we once had, knowing within seconds it’s impossible. I search for the woman I use to be, yet is nowhere to be found. Illness changes a family so much, but a death destroys it. Destroys in a way that nothing will ever be the same. You will never laugh the same. You will never have that fully relaxed smile again. It is just gone. Some families end up so destroyed that parents divorce making it more difficult to find the support they need. I am so thankful we were a very close family. Marco and I would always rather spend our evenings with our boys then our friends (no offense). One time I actually had a good friend laugh when I told her how excited I was to get off work early that day because we were going to play board games all night. “You actually PLAY with your kids?” I was confused but answered proudly “well yea, what else do you do?” I feel our closeness created such a strong bond between us all that it has helped us “live” through this nightmare. Don’t get me wrong, we struggle with our day to day sometimes. We argue over unimportant things. We cry at a drop of a dime. We pull away and want to be alone at times but it doesn’t change in the end. We are together because of the love and bond we created over the last 13 years.
Last week Marco and I shared our 13th anniversary. We shared a cake, enjoyed our card made by Valin and sat together at Madox’s resting place for a short while. The things screaming so loudly that day was not feeling Madox’s hugs that morning. Not receiving his intricate card he worked so hard to make over the course of the week. There are so many little things we always cherished and looked forward to, and now they are all gone. I am so glad I saved every single card Madox made for us. No matter how small. They are kept safe in my bin of homemade art given to us over the course of his short life. Now my new bins of art will fill much more slowly and there will only be one name on the art.
We will never stop seeing reminders of your life Madox. We will never stop yearning for the life we once had. We will never stop missing and loving you. You will always be a part of us.
This photo was on Madox’s 9th and final birthday. He had been home only 2 days since being in hospital almost 3 weeks. He was pale, tired, could only see from one eye and the effects of the ICU medication still in his system. I threatened to take him home AMA (against medical advice) because I wanted him home for his birthday. He couldn’t walk and we happily carried him everywhere. Considering he almost died a few times while in hospital, we were happy to do anything. In this photo Madox and I shared a moment. This photo makes me sad knowing how ill he is but so happy because I can see the love he has for me. I hope he saw and felt the immense love I always have for him. He will always be my favourite little guy
This Saturday will be one year without our Madox. One long, heart breaking year. It seems so long ago, yet is so fresh in our minds like it was yesterday. My heart hurts just thinking about his last week with us. The struggle, the fight, our tears, and fear. We will never forget how this week felt, and what we saw. It is too hard to forget yet too hard to remember. No child should have to suffer in any way, especially the way dipg kids do. Watching your own child fight to live is life changing.
What do you call the day someone dies? Don’t we as a society always want titles to go with an event? Well, it’s definitely not an anniversary. I think of those as a celebratory day, and this will never be that. Some say angelversary which I think I hate just as much. I tried to like it, tried to use it but it just didn’t feel right. If I have to label that day, I would call it a mark. A black terrible mark. It’s a mark on our lives, in our hearts. A mark you can never remove, and will never heal. It follows you no matter where you go, and shows itself when you least expect it. August 8, 2014 will always be a mark in our lives.
Even after almost a year, I still have a hard time saying those words “my son died”. I can say it in my mind but as soon as I say it aloud, tears come streaming down my face with no way of stopping them. When someone says ‘time heals all wounds’ they obviously haven’t buried their child. Time does not heal all wounds. Time teaches you how to live with this wound, but it certainly won’t heal it. Although I still cry talking about my son’s death, I still need to talk about him and his beautiful life. He brought so much love and joy into our lives, our families lives and into lives of anyone who met him. He completed our family, teaching me how to love more than I ever thought I could. He showed us what unconditional love looks like. The giant smiles we would get when we got home, the long and strong hugs we received before we left for work, the sweet ‘I love you’s ‘ when we tucked him into bed for the night. There was no doubt the love he had for us. It truly was unwavering. I just hope he knew the love and joy we have for him. Always and forever.