Tag Archives: missingyou
The day has come and gone. The day you were stolen from us. People call it an ‘anniversary’ but I hardly think of it as that. Some people think it’s time to move on. I think those people are ignorant about grief, which I guess is good. Grieving a loved one is very hard on the mind and body. Nothing really has changed except that it has been 4 years since I saw your sweet face.
Leading up to this day has been really hard on me this year. I didn’t think it would hit this hard again, but it has. I haven’t eaten very much, and sleep was barely existent. I tried working out but I ended up crying thinking about your last week. I am so glad I took the week off work. I have no idea how I would have gotten through a day.
Memories of your last few days kept jumping into my mind randomly. How you hugged Valin for the last time. How all your family came to say their goodbyes. How you struggled to breathe. How panicked I was trying to control your pain and secretions, feeling like I failed you over and over again. Those moments are still clear in my mind. I can’t believe it’s been 4 years. I can’t believe I have to live the rest of my life without you in it. I don’t think I will ever get use to that thought.
This year I let Valin sleep while I drove down to your resting place. I just laid by your plot thinking about our fun and sad moments. I listened to some music that made me ache for you more. Even though I felt dark and gloomy, the sun was shining brightly. Valin was waiting for me when I got home and gave me a long hug. I know he misses you just as much as we do. My biggest fear is that he will forget you and the things you both did together. So we will continue to talk about you and share moments so we will never forget.
Poor dad had to work all day so we all went to your plot together in the evening. The sun was starting to set and a slight breeze was felt. We sat around your plot sharing stories and moments. Did you hear us? Even Valin shared your last words to him. I’m glad he remembers that moment, even though it was hard. It was nice to see a family of deer come out of the forest while we were there. I always find it calming to see the deer graze while we visit you.
Although we don’t visit you at your plot as often as we use to, I sit in your room often. I hope you hear me talking to you when I am there. Not a day goes by that we don’t think about you, and the time we have lost without you. These days are hard but we are trying to continue living our lives. You are never forgotten Madox. We may smile and laugh and enjoy our time together, but there will forever be a broken piece in our hearts for you. A piece that will never be repaired. A piece we will never forget.
We love you my favourite little guy XO
Did I love you enough
While you were on earth with me?
It was for only 9 years, I thought I had more time
Mistakes that I’d made, no time to improve.
Did I love you enough
for you to feel it and know it?
To know I will come if you need me
And feel so safe when I was with you
Did I love you enough
While we cuddled up close?
Laying soft kisses on your forehead
And my arms round your body
Did I love you enough
By telling you so.
I love you’s when we left each other,
I love you’s when you went to bed
Did I love you enough
At times my heart questions it
It aches and hurts,
Thinking you may not have known
Did I love you enough
As guilt and sadness take over my mind
Thinking how I should have done things different
Done more, loved more, listened more
You are my love, you are my life
I loved you more than my own
But did you know that is how I felt?
I will never know if you felt loved enough
Did I love you enough?
Life has been more of a struggle lately. I don’t know what triggers it, but I feel I have been more angry, more depressed, more empty. Many people think it should get easier the longer a loved one is gone, but I don’t sense that. Certain dates still rock me to the core. I constantly think of what could have been, what should have been. When dealing with child loss, it is impossible NOT to think that way. Children grow, change, develop into their own selves. I loved watching how different Madox was from Valin. How they each loved different sports; loved different toys; yet loved being with each other. So I dwell on what I envision Madox would look like; how he would style his hair; what types of clothing he would prefer. Sadly, those thoughts just pop in my mind at the oddest times. It’s just hard to shake it once it grabs my attention.
Marco and I both turned 40 this year, which should be a big deal. I remember at 35 talking to the boys about going on a nice trip to celebrate mommy and daddy’s birthdays. Madox was so into it. He kept throwing out places, naturally Disney World was first on his list. The boys and I settled on Hawaii because Italy would be too expensive and we would want at least one month to enjoy it (which neither of us had). Madox would remind us at our next birthday how we were going to have a big trip on our 40th. He was very excited. Little did we know he would not make either of our milestone birthdays. This is what made this years birthday even harder. Marco is a wonderful husband. He knows when I just need alone time and he never questions it. My birthday landed on a Saturday, so we were all home. While Valin had his piano lesson, I went to “be” with Madox at his graveside. Marco didn’t ask if he could join me. I think he knew I needed to be alone. I laid on his bench listening to songs that reminded me of Madox, or related to my aching heart. I just stayed there looking at the sky, asking for forgiveness for not protecting him like a mom was suppose to. Not being the best I could have been while he was alive. For not being able to take his place so he can live to be 40. It was a cold day but I stayed there for almost an hour. I don’t like taking selfies or share my raw photos like this, but I feel this is an important one to share.
Christmas and New Years was fast approaching after that day. Valin and Marco ignored my protests of pushing the decorations till late December, and they started to put up the tree together. I helped but the love for it continues to faulter. I still feel I am only going through the motions for the people I love, the people around me. Valin was so happy to have the house festive again. Marco loved it too, but I sensed his heartache completing it without his little boy. Every year one of the boys would sit atop Marco’s shoulders to place the angel on top of the tree. Even with the boys getting bigger and taller, Marco continued the tradition as long as he could. 2013 just happened to be Madox’s year, and his last. I remember taking photo after photo of Madox up on Marco’s shoulders, giggling and almost falling backwards. He had grabbed hold of Marco’s front shirt and was falling with it. Valin and I were laughing at what the photo looked like: Madox hanging halfway down Marco’s back holding onto dad’s neck and shirt, and Marco’s front is half exposed. Those memories I will always keep close to my heart. They make me smile but also sad that we no longer can create new laughs and traditions. Christmas we no longer run around to other family’s homes. We wake up, open gifts, and spend the rest of the day together. By lunch time we go to Madox’s plot and bring some chocolate that was in his stocking (yes we still put a few items in Madox’s stocking) and a cinnamon bun that we use to traditionally make together on Christmas eve to enjoy Christmas morning. Readied with shovels, all three of us begin building Madox’s fort. The snow was not good for fort building so we did as much as we could. We all laid in the snow surrounding his headstone and was all quietly reflected. I was the first to get up off the snow and slowly moved to the car. I was sobbing how I hate this new tradition. I know Valin likes coming to build a fort for his brother but you also know how much he hates it. Hard to enjoy something you use to love doing with your brother. I so wish it was different.
New Year Eve and New Year day we spent skating at a nearby park. We use to love going all together, skating around and around as a family. Marco and the boys would play Bulldog at one section of the ice while I watched and laughed. Then they would turn and attack me and we would all end up in the nearby snowbank laughing. Now I skate behind only two bodies and watch only two boys wrestling and playing tag on the ice. I try to live whatever life I have, trying to honour Madox as best I could. Some days are very hard. But for now, I will savour what memories I have. Goodbye 2016 and good luck 2017.
I haven’t written in a while, even though there has been a lot on my mind. I just didn’t know how to put my thoughts into words this time. I didn’t want to keep being a downer, dark, or depressed sounding. So I kept putting this post off. As I kept thinking about it, I would tell myself that I AM a downer, dark and depressed. Why shouldn’t I be? Why should I hide the fact that I am sad that I don’t have my baby boy in my life anymore? Why should I pretend that life is back to normal and perfect, when it’s clearly not! I have never been the type of person to sugar coat things, why should I start now? Don’t get me wrong, we have our happy family moments. We enjoy each other’s company to the fullest, and we continue to move forward in our changed lives. This blog is so I can express myself as a way of “healing”, but also to help other families going through a similar ordeal. I want those families to know they are not alone, and they are not “crazy” in the way they are thinking. Hell, maybe we all are crazy, but this crazy is expected and accepted. This blog is also for the families who have healthy active children. I want you to appreciate every moment you have with your child. I want you to understand that life changes in an instant and there is no stopping it, no matter how much you beg and plead (trust me I tried).
Lastly, I hope this blog brings some understanding and empathy for families battling childhood cancer. It truly is a lifelong struggle. Parents who have had to bury their child NEVER get over it, NEVER. On the outside they may look “fine” but on the inside is a struggle to stay afloat. I have spoken to mothers and fathers who buried their child over 10 years ago—–no, it doesn’t get easy but they learn to deal with their day to day. Always thinking of their child who should be 15, 28 or even 34 years old now. There is always thoughts about who their child would have been and how they would have looked.
The families who are still going through the battle with childhood cancer or has a child in remission, they too have a difficult life. There will always be that uneasy fear lurking in the shadows. Will the cancer return? Does this fever mean his cancer is spreading? We have to stay another X # of days in the hospital because her cell count was 0. Whatever the case, whatever their current thoughts, they too are going through a struggle. So be kind to these families. Be gentle. Be understanding. Our minds are constantly racing about our child, treatment plans, what if’s, Dr appointment or even trying to get food to stay down.
Last week was the first day of school. I really don’t have much to say about it. Valin went to school without Madox last year and that was devastating. I think all my grief and shock came out last September, leaving me in a fog this year. Maybe I am just numb, going through the motions. It actually snuck up on us pretty quickly, and I didn’t like the fact it was already September. This would have been the year Valin went to a new school while Madox stayed at their elementary school. It would have been the first time they were apart for school or an activity. Only one year, then they would be together again. Madox was sad that he wouldn’t see Valin in the halls but was excited to be the oldest grade in the school. Another thing I will wonder about, another thing I was robbed of. Now Valin is solo in his new school, with nothing to look forward to in the upcoming years. He will always be without his brother now.
What do you say about a day that hurts? A day that is burned into memory. A day that took away so much.
So many mixed emotions. So sad and heartbroken. No new memories to be made as a family of 4. No snuggle up nights while watching a movie. No soft kisses as we say goodnight.
So very very angry that I doubt will ever diminish. Angry that cancer exists. Angry that it found my perfect baby. Angry that I truly thought we were doing everything right to prevent cancer. Angry at how naive I was. Angry at the doctors, researchers and pharmaceuticals for not fighting for our children..my child. Just so angry.
Last year today we did not hear you speak, did not see your eyes, did not feel your hugs. The day started with you in a deep sleep with the help of all the medication I had given you to help your pain. Marco, Valin and I all took turns snuggling up to you in bed. Reading to you all your favourite books. And singing all your favourite songs. Never once stopped from telling you how much you are loved and how brave you were through it all. Marco and I apologized many times as well, for not being able to protect you like parents should. All the while, staring at our beautiful amazing son who was dying right before us. And all we could do was watch.
Madox. You will always be the light of our lives. You will always be loved and cherished. You will always be our little guy who taught us how to laugh and be goofy, even when it hurts inside. You will always be…….our perfect Madox. 💙