One year without you

 

 

Gasping….
What do you say about a day that hurts? A day that is burned into memory. A day that took away so much.
Gasping…
So many mixed emotions. So sad and heartbroken. No new memories to be made as a family of 4. No snuggle up nights while watching a movie. No soft kisses as we say goodnight.
So very very angry that I doubt will ever diminish. Angry that cancer exists. Angry that it found my perfect baby. Angry that I truly thought we were doing everything right to prevent cancer. Angry at how naive I was. Angry at the doctors, researchers and pharmaceuticals for not fighting for our children..my child. Just so angry.
Gasping….
Last year today we did not hear you speak, did not see your eyes, did not feel your hugs. The day started with you in a deep sleep with the help of all the medication I had given you to help your pain. Marco, Valin and I all took turns snuggling up to you in bed. Reading to you all your favourite books. And singing all your favourite songs. Never once stopped from telling you how much you are loved and how brave you were through it all. Marco and I apologized many times as well, for not being able to protect you like parents should. All the while, staring at our beautiful amazing son who was dying right before us. And all we could do was watch.
Gasping….
Madox. You will always be the light of our lives. You will always be loved and cherished. You will always be our little guy who taught us how to laugh and be goofy, even when it hurts inside. You will always be…….our perfect Madox. 💙