I was never great at sleeping. I was considered a night owl by some, and even enjoyed working night shifts. I use to go to bed at 1am and get up early to get the boys ready for school or me for work. I have never been a fan of mornings, but I was able to get up no problem and go about my day. Fast forward to today. I am averaging 3-4 hours a night, and always feeling like a truck slammed into me. I literally drag myself out of bed after I make Marco hit the snooze button at least once. I briefly gaze in the mirror and look away. I even LOOK like I was hit by a truck. Geez! Once I get even a small headache, it slowly escalates through the day into a full blown migraine that lasts easily 3 days, sometimes 7. How can I function with little sleep, and my brain trying to smash through my skull? But I trudge on, the best I can. Some days I’m an incoherent mess by 8pm, others I’m irritable and need a dark room. I don’t find that room though, because I have Valin to play with and feed. If I just escaped into my room every time I am hit with a migraine, I would never see him. So I try to find ‘quiet’ games or things to do. Valin keeps asking to jump on the trampoline….. yeeeeaaa not gonna happen! Last time he asked me to bounce with him while I had a migraine, I answered with my own question “are you comfortable with vomit on your trampoline while you’re jumping?” He decided on a board game 🙂
Anxiety and depression I am told. Go on antidepressants others chime in. Maybe, maybe not. I’d be a fool to think I wasn’t depressed, but I think it’s pretty valid. I don’t think medicating myself is the answer though, at least not now. One thing that really hurts is when someone casually says ‘you look so tired.’ Valin has, more than once, responded ‘she’s always tired.’ That really makes me sad but he’s right. I look tired, I feel tired, and I act tired. I’m not the mom he grew up loving. I have changed so much. I use to be active, always moving. I use to be fun and goofy most of the time. Now I feel like I’m so lazy, finding any excuse not to do anything. But I keep trudging on, hoping to find that mom I use to be. The not so tired and sad mom. Unfortunately, it won’t be today.