I know I haven’t written here in a long time. I’ve been trying to ‘live’ life the best I could, as present as I should. Just recently, I realized how hollow I am. The faces I have, interchange so easily now. Without me really grasping what is unfolding. Around Valin I smile, laugh, and go through our motions. At work, I care for clients, asking as genuinely as I can how they are doing. I catch myself not always listening to their answer, and I do feel bad…sometimes. I can smile and joke around with coworkers, which is very therapeutic for me. The staff I am surrounded by really help me ‘forget’, even if for an hour. Yet, I still feel empty when I am alone. I constantly think about what if’s, should have’s, if only’s. I rarely listen to the radio when I’m alone in the car. While at home, at times, I sit alone thinking about how hollow I have become. Always feeling like something missing. Something will always be missing.
Today. Today is Christmas. We have never celebrated Christmas for the religious aspect of it. It was more as family time, laughs, time spent together and just being. That was Madox’s favourite part of life. Just being together. Doesn’t matter what it was, how mundane. If we were all together, he was happy. So Christmas has always been that for us. Christmas eve we would traditionally watch The Polar Express together, and read Christmas books all week. We would bake and decorate sugar cookies earlier in the week. Cinnamon buns prepared on eve’s night so it was ready on Christmas morning. We always ensured after opening presents we had time to relax together in the morning, playing whatever games the boys received. Mid afternoon we would go to the grandparents house until early evening, then head home for a movie night. Snuggling all on the couch Christmas night was the best feeling. Seeing how happy the boys were, and knowing how happy Marco and I were. I wouldn’t have changed it for anything. Those traditions will always stay close in my heart.
Now we have new traditions, although they are not ones we want. The one tradition I hate the most is going to Madox’s plot on Christmas day. Bringing a cinnamon bun we baked in the morning and some santa cookies too. Laying them by his name, knowing how silly it really is to leave food. All three of us pull out shovels and begin to build a fort around his plot, being very careful not to encroach on others. Today as we sat on the bench watching Valin make snow angels, I said aloud “I really hate this new tradition.” Marco just wrapped his arm around me as we continued to watch Valin. While so many families are laughing and enjoying their day as a complete family, there are many families like ours. Sitting at a cemetery, missing the one that was stolen too soon. Seems too cruel to believe. While at Madox’s plot, Marco always sings the same song while we are there. It was the song we have always sung for Madox at bed time, and sang it frequently in his last hours. Today for the first time, I stood along side Marco and tried to sing along. Valin joined in while hugging us both. I couldn’t sing it all, instead tears streamed down my face. They finished the song as Valin wiped the tears off my cheeks. After we hugged for a long while, we all jumped in the snow and made snow angels together. It was a nice way to end our visit there. Just wish we could have just been playing in the yard, all 4 of us like old times.
I want to wish everyone a family filled holiday and a healthy new year. To those who have empty heavy arms without their little one, I send you my love and understanding. I wish it was different for us all.