Happy birthday sweetheart. Today you should be turning 11. Today we should be making your day extra special, doing whatever you wanted to do. Isn’t that what we always did? Let you pick any activity you wanted for the day? You loved dictating the entire day, down to what dinner you wanted me to make. Well instead of laughter and fun games, we woke up gloomy and heartbroken. Walking into your empty room looking at the untouched bed covers, always takes my breath away. Oh how my heart shatters every time I am in your room. Everything is still in it’s place. You were very particular about how you decorated your room. I am just not ready to move anything.
I couldn’t sleep last night so I went downstairs and popped in the home movie of your birth day. Wow you were so tiny. I shed so many tears but laughed so many times at how adorable you were and how often Valin would run up to you and kiss you. Then I started watching video’s from when you were 6 months and 1 year. Oh my goodness I miss your sweet little voice and your constant smiles. Those videos really helped heal my heart, even if temporarily.
Today, like we did last year, Valin and I went to have breakfast at Perkins. You loved going there for pancakes, so we started that tradition last year. I wish dad didn’t have to work, otherwise he would have joined us. Just like last year, Valin and I looked around us to find a family with a small child. I was getting worried as there were only older people sitting around us. Just as Valin was asking where all the kids were, a mom and dad walked in holding their little toddler. He looked at me and smiled “paying it forward with them right?” Last year we bought breakfast to a couple with a newborn, this year it was a couple with a toddler. That toddler was talking up a storm when they sat down. I thought it was perfect. I love how Valin had gotten into it too. We thought it is a nice way to honour you on your birthday. I hope it put a smile on their faces and for them to really appreciate and love their little one with their entire being.
When we got home I sat down alone to make your cake. It felt so wrong to be making you a birthday cake you wouldn’t be able to enjoy. So many tears today, tears that feel will never stop. What would you be into this year? What would the theme have been that you knew exactly how you wanted your cake to look? That really got me crying earlier in the week, thinking about all of this. Dad and Valin started thinking until finally dad said you have always liked venom and carnage. I can’t believe you never asked me to make you a villain cake before? So today I sat down to make you just that, your first villain cake. Once I carved it and rolled out the fondant, Valin came to help. Did you see how hard he worked on carnage for you? Such a perfectionist. I think it really turned out well. I like how my venom turned out but Valin’s carnage was awesome. I hope you like it. I wish you were here to tell me if it was a thumbs up or down. 🙂 But you have never told me you hated any of my cakes. You were always so appreciative of anything I made you.
I bet dad was feeling just as rotten as I was. Our hearts feel so empty without you. Valin doesn’t show his emotions too much but I know he is really missing you. Please watch over him and give him signs that you are still with him. He seems to feel you around him, and I think that is comforting to him. Thank you. I only wish I felt you around me. Once dad got home we pick up the balloons and headed out to the plot. I really hate these new traditions we now have, to celebrate and honour you. Truly sickens me. We three sat around your plaque sharing what we miss most since you were taken from us. I really miss hearing your giggles, and your moulding hugs. So so very much. Were you with us at that time? I hope you can hear us when we talk to you, or about you. I always wonder if you knew the depth of our love for you. Young children probably don’t think about it too much, but I hope you felt the love your entire life.
The rest of your family came to help us release some balloons up to you and to sing you happy birthday. Valin blew out your candles again, but we’d rather it be you. You never liked sharing the blowing of candles. Maybe you knew you would only blow them out 9 times. Makes no sense to even think about it. Everyone wrote a little note on the balloons before we released them. Did you get everyones messages? You know I’m not religious, but I WANT to believe you are somewhere beautiful and peaceful like the heaven many talk about. Sometimes I’ll say you are in heaven but I just don’t know. Guess there’s no way of you telling me in a dream or something? 🙂 Yea I know, not gonna happen. I’ll just keep hoping and wondering.
Well just like last year, you sent us another rainbow. Not as HUGE as last years rainbow, but a rainbow none-the-less. Auntie Deana noticed it first as we were watching your balloons float higher and higher. We all took that as a sign from you, saying hi. Just a quickly as it showed, it disappeared. Thank you Madox. We love and miss you so much.
The day was difficult but we got through it, with a little wear and tear. As I stood there looking around the cemetery, I felt empty and lost. No matter how much I try to do to honour you and to help other families, I still feel it’s not enough. It will never be enough. Without your body next to mine, I will forever feel empty and lost.
Happy birthday my love. Wishing it was so very different. Wherever you are, I hope you had a party with all the other sweet children stolen from their families too soon.