Many people really think someone can just move on after a death. Can just accept what had happened and live life to its fullest. Well that is impossible, at least for me. I truly don’t think we ever move on, and I still haven’t accepted it. I know it is real, clearly. Still my brain can’t accept it. Sounds bizaar, but one can still be in shock and disbelief years after a death occurs. No this is not from a medical article I read, it’s what I believe. Some days I stand in the house just staring at photos or at a toy or just blankly at a wall. I am completely and utterly in shock that Madox will not be coming through our door anymore; that I won’t be watching him grow up into a brilliant man I knew he would become; that we will be incomplete for the remainder of our lives. The disbelief hits so hard some days, literally taking my breath away, that I can’t slow my heart rate.
Then there is the shock. Even 2 years later, there is the shock that it happened to us. That it happened at all makes no sense to me. I breast fed Madox longer than I did Valin by 4 months; I made their baby food from scratch; I made home cooked healthy meals as often as I could; we had organic food as much as possible; we spent SO MUCH quality time with our boys, preferring time with them over our friends (sorry but it’s true); we stayed active as a family participating in running events, cycling together, and working out in the basement together. We avoided all those “cancer causing” foods, agents ect so I felt safe, I felt confident. I was in a bubble that they would be safe, they were immune. How the hell did Madox get cancer? How did it find him?
Move on? Hardly! I am still working on this guilt that eats away at me most nights. How do you move on when you think about everything you wish you hadn’t done or said; think about everything you should have done differently; think about everything that SHOULD BE! I wonder if I was a good mom, if Madox thought I was a good mom. I worry that Madox didn’t know how much he was loved. I wonder if knew I would have traded places with him before it was even offered. Did I do enough for him in his life? Did he resent me for being impatient or getting angry easily? Did he see I was working on improving my bad traits for him and his brothers sake. I thought I had his entire life to be a better mom, but I was wrong. I only had 9 years with him and I failed miserably.
I cannot imagine the pain and grief you live with everyday. My parents best friends lost their only son to brain cancer when I was 16. I still feel heir pain this many years later. It is good to talk about him because then we never forget. We also remind each other about the little things that made him special. That’s a good thing…..talking about him.
Always and forever will talk about Madox. Thank you Heather.