Marco and I had a discussion the other night. Not really sure what brought up the topic, but it weighed heavy on our hearts. “I’m worried Valin will begin to forget Madox,” Marco shared while we were cleaning the kitchen. I have been thinking about this for weeks but haven’t discussed my fears with Marco. We have always spoken about Madox, his likes, memories, and things he would say or do. This, not only helps Valin remember, but for nothing to fade from our mind as well. I worry it’s not enough and I get very sad thinking Valin will grow up forgetting the things that made Madox Madox.
Valin was only 10 years old when Madox died. Naturally Valin remembers his last breath, his struggles, the change in mom and dad. But will he remember Madox’s sweet smile, infectious giggle, or the way they would lie on the couch together playing Super Smash Bros? Will he remember helping Madox feel safe and happy when mom and dad went to work and he would cry? Will he remember holding each others hands, spinning each other and he letting go while Madox few into the corner of the wall? Will he remember the fear he felt watching blood cover Madox’s hair from the split in his head, as mom glued it back together? Will he remember the last time he and Madox slept in our bed, surrounded by 20 stuffies and playing with them until they fell fast asleep? Will Valin remember how much he loved Madox, that he would cry if Madox cried? Will he remember any of it?
Marco and I fear those memories will get lost as his mind is filled with new ones. We never want Valin to forget his brother, his best friend, his confidant. All we can do is continue to talk about our ‘before’ life so Valin can appreciate our ‘after’ life. I hate labelling time that way but life changed so much that it is now ‘before cancer’ and ‘after cancer.’
Marco suggested we take one day out monthly to watch home videos together. I think that is a great idea but for now, we both don’t feel ready to watch them together. For now, we will continue to share fond memories with Valin about how we once were.