The day has come and gone. The day you were stolen from us. People call it an ‘anniversary’ but I hardly think of it as that. Some people think it’s time to move on. I think those people are ignorant about grief, which I guess is good. Grieving a loved one is very hard on the mind and body. Nothing really has changed except that it has been 4 years since I saw your sweet face.
Leading up to this day has been really hard on me this year. I didn’t think it would hit this hard again, but it has. I haven’t eaten very much, and sleep was barely existent. I tried working out but I ended up crying thinking about your last week. I am so glad I took the week off work. I have no idea how I would have gotten through a day.
Memories of your last few days kept jumping into my mind randomly. How you hugged Valin for the last time. How all your family came to say their goodbyes. How you struggled to breathe. How panicked I was trying to control your pain and secretions, feeling like I failed you over and over again. Those moments are still clear in my mind. I can’t believe it’s been 4 years. I can’t believe I have to live the rest of my life without you in it. I don’t think I will ever get use to that thought.
This year I let Valin sleep while I drove down to your resting place. I just laid by your plot thinking about our fun and sad moments. I listened to some music that made me ache for you more. Even though I felt dark and gloomy, the sun was shining brightly. Valin was waiting for me when I got home and gave me a long hug. I know he misses you just as much as we do. My biggest fear is that he will forget you and the things you both did together. So we will continue to talk about you and share moments so we will never forget.
Poor dad had to work all day so we all went to your plot together in the evening. The sun was starting to set and a slight breeze was felt. We sat around your plot sharing stories and moments. Did you hear us? Even Valin shared your last words to him. I’m glad he remembers that moment, even though it was hard. It was nice to see a family of deer come out of the forest while we were there. I always find it calming to see the deer graze while we visit you.
Although we don’t visit you at your plot as often as we use to, I sit in your room often. I hope you hear me talking to you when I am there. Not a day goes by that we don’t think about you, and the time we have lost without you. These days are hard but we are trying to continue living our lives. You are never forgotten Madox. We may smile and laugh and enjoy our time together, but there will forever be a broken piece in our hearts for you. A piece that will never be repaired. A piece we will never forget.
We love you my favourite little guy XO