Title of Mom

Mother’s Day. A day of pure joy and pride. A day surrounded by love, kisses and hugs. A day of homemade cards and gifts. The life before cancer. Mother’s day now has a new meaning to me, as a bereaved mom.

Although I am proud of the amazing humans that call me mom, there will be forever sadness without both my boys by my side. As the years pass, the pain and ache is not as sharp and debilitating. The pain has dulled but still in the fore front of my everyday life. Holidays like mothers day still takes the wind out of me. I still can’t believe my arms lay waiting for that second hug, my cheeks without that kiss and the unknown of that missing card not made. It hurts. I hurt. I have recently been able to get through these holidays by appreciating the 9 years I had with Madox. Although short, I can remember his growth and the love he exuded.

I admire the young man Valin is becoming. I can step back and see how Valin has climbed through his loneliness and sadness for his brother. I see and feel his empathy to others. And he’s funny. Gawd he makes me laugh! Utmost awe and pride I feel when I sit back and think of everything Valin has accomplished. His kindness and heart living through a significant loss and set back. I can’t help but smile at the human he’s developed into. Naturally my mind reverts to Madox and who he would be. I know he would be as kind and empathetic as he was before cancer stole him from us, but I still wonder. Hard not thinking of these things on a day like Mother’s day.

Not all women are lucky enough to have someone call them mom, which makes me sad for their yearning. Not all woman deserve the name mom, and I am angry at them for not adoring the life in front of them. Mom is a special, almost sacred word and should not be taken lightly. Some moms self blame for things they did or didn’t do for their children. I always thought I was a bad mom because I didn’t have more patience; I had high expectations of them; or that I yelled too much. Then I look at photos, reminisce certain memories, watch home videos and think about all the special happy moments together. I see their smiles and happiness. I felt their love and hugs and heard ” I love you mommy” all too often. We mom’s tend to be harder on ourselves than anyone else can. We need to remember to be gentle on ourselves. I am still learning to do this but I am trying.

To all the mothers in the world, wishing you all a happy Mother’s Day. To the momma’s whose hearts are no longer complete after burying your child, I am so sorry and hope you are able to smile and remember the wonderful moments you had with your baby.