In my head I was going to write a blog about Christmas and how we celebrated it without Madox. How we shared time together, with love and laughter. I planned to invite you in on the 12 days of Christmas I had done for Valin and Marco this year. Instead of daily gifts to Valin, I left daily notes of love, support and what they mean to me.

 

On Christmas morning I was going to blog a happy Christmas and holiday to everyone, but I never sat down at the computer that day. Instead we opened gifts, played board games, played video games and visited grandparents. On Christmas morning we visited Madox’s plot, as we have the past 4 Christmas’s. We bring and leave a cinnamon bun that Valin and I make the night before. We usually begin making a snow fort around his plot, but there was not enough snow this year and the temperature was extremely cold that day. It was a short visit. While Valin and I ran to the car to warm up, Marco stood at Madox’s plot singing a song he use to sing every night to him. My heart aches every time I watch Marco end his visit with a song to his deceased son. That evening I cuddled up close to my boys and watched a movie till late at night. No blog was written.

 

 

Singing to his boy

 

 

New years eve came and past, and I was still needing to post good will and well wishes to everyone. 3 days later, I am finally sitting at my computer trying to think of what positive words I can lend out to everyone. Thinking. I really do not have anything positive or powerful to share with anyone. I push through, mask worn or not, to make it to another day. I smile and laugh like everyone else, but will have moments of pain and anguish that hit me out of a nowhere. I work, exercise, and relax like any other day, but I carry a burden. The burden of wishing things were different. The burden of guilt and sadness. The burden of an empty heart. The burden of empty arms. The burden of another empty year.