New Year, Same Me

Sorry for going MIA for a while. I was trying to stay distracted by not thinking about my grief. It seems to work. Everyone always says “the holidays must be so hard.” Sure it is. But the every day is so much harder. The reality of it all is always crashing into me, everywhere I look. Sometimes I feel like I have to stuff my grief deep down just to get through a day, a week, a song, a moment. So the distraction is a good way to cope. At least I assume it is, but it’s only temporary. I’m always being told I need to live my life and to enjoy it again. What bothers me when that comment is thrown at me is that I AM living my life. I’m here aren’t I? I participate in life by showing up every damn day whether it’s work, sports events or just making a meal for dinner. What one person sees as giving up, another sees and celebrates the little accomplishments that weren’t there a year ago. I am the latter.

My coping strategies are always changing, not always for the good. Eating too much. Eating too little. Not exercising. Avoiding my journaling…. The journalling, since I was a teen, has always helped me get through really tough obstacles in my life. I have now realized when I don’t write, I am not acknowledging my grief. Pretending that grief and loss isn’t there, just to be “normal” again. Writing helps pull me out of my deep abyss. The dark, quiet and drowning world I create in my mind, in my heart. Starting today, I plan to write at least once a month of my thoughts, feelings and anything new in our lives. Hoping anyone reading can share their comments and stories with me with every blog I post. I know many of you reading have gone through your own loss and surviving with your grief. We can get through our grief together. It will never go away but we can try to cope and handle it better and healthier than we have in the past.