Tag Archives: neverforget
5 years today. 5 years ago today we heard those words no parent wants to hear. 5 years ago we met a murderer, and it was attacking our son.
No length of time will soften the hurt. We will forever remember that day, that specific moment. That walk down the bright hospital hallway. The look on the doctors faces. The dread in my heart. The words…. oh those devastating words.
The day of diagnosis will always hang over our heads. The memories. The life changing word. The immediate loss felt.
Some will say 5 years is a long time. A parent who has buried their child will say it’s too long. Time changes very little. It certainly does not heal all wounds.
My heart is very heavy with all the memories flashing in and out of my mind. I wish I could have prevented this. I wish I could have saved you.
Holidays don’t get easier, regardless how long time has passed. Halloween was a month ago and I felt it was just as hard as previous years. Past years I tried so hard to fake it by decorating the house inside and out. Pumpkins would be carved days before. Costumes planned and purchased. Sugar cookies baked and decorated. The excitement was in the air. This year I felt such a weight on me. It felt so heavy, so constricting. Even though I tried to encourage myself into doing our normal traditions, I ended up failing and nothing ended up happening.
No cookies were baked. Our home wasn’t decorated outside with only a few things inside. Our pumpkins were purchased 2 days before, and carved the night before halloween. Costumes were not on the radar, throwing together something we found at home the day of. It didn’t seem like I was the only one feeling this way, as Marco and Valin weren’t pushing for anything either. We just kept moving through the motions of the every day.
What many of you don’t understand, is how much energy and work it takes to fake going through the passing of life. It sounds easy to just go along with it all but it is truly exhausting. The simplicity of even getting up out of bed every morning can take a lot of coaxing from oneself. Movement for purpose takes thought and reasoning from those who have lost a child. Knowing the need to converse with people, to look happy, to laugh, when all you feel is dead inside is very difficult.
Being affected by such a loss will never leave us. We will never forget who our child was, could be and could never be. We will not forget the day of diagnosis, the fight he had, the slow and terrifying decline and of course his death. Those days will never leave us. Yet here we are. Getting up every morning, going to work and living life like nothing ever happened.
Marco and I had a discussion the other night. Not really sure what brought up the topic, but it weighed heavy on our hearts. “I’m worried Valin will begin to forget Madox,” Marco shared while we were cleaning the kitchen. I have been thinking about this for weeks but haven’t discussed my fears with Marco. We have always spoken about Madox, his likes, memories, and things he would say or do. This, not only helps Valin remember, but for nothing to fade from our mind as well. I worry it’s not enough and I get very sad thinking Valin will grow up forgetting the things that made Madox Madox.
Valin was only 10 years old when Madox died. Naturally Valin remembers his last breath, his struggles, the change in mom and dad. But will he remember Madox’s sweet smile, infectious giggle, or the way they would lie on the couch together playing Super Smash Bros? Will he remember helping Madox feel safe and happy when mom and dad went to work and he would cry? Will he remember holding each others hands, spinning each other and he letting go while Madox few into the corner of the wall? Will he remember the fear he felt watching blood cover Madox’s hair from the split in his head, as mom glued it back together? Will he remember the last time he and Madox slept in our bed, surrounded by 20 stuffies and playing with them until they fell fast asleep? Will Valin remember how much he loved Madox, that he would cry if Madox cried? Will he remember any of it?
Marco and I fear those memories will get lost as his mind is filled with new ones. We never want Valin to forget his brother, his best friend, his confidant. All we can do is continue to talk about our ‘before’ life so Valin can appreciate our ‘after’ life. I hate labelling time that way but life changed so much that it is now ‘before cancer’ and ‘after cancer.’
Marco suggested we take one day out monthly to watch home videos together. I think that is a great idea but for now, we both don’t feel ready to watch them together. For now, we will continue to share fond memories with Valin about how we once were.