September is always a tough month after losing Madox. Not only do we host our charity’s Superhero run every September, but it’s the start of a new school year. Another grade Madox will not enter. Another school he never experienced. Another everything. I always feel heavy leading up to the first day of school.

 

Valin started grade 11. Gawd I can’t believe it. When Madox died, Valin was entering grade 5. What a completely different world between the two grades. Madox should be in grade 10, and developing into his own self by now. Instead, we can only watch and enjoy the changes we see in Valin, with only wonder about Madox. I can only speculate now. I still get sad taking first day photos of Valin without his brother at his side.  This year is very new, with a pandemic looming over us all. I worry for the safety of Valin, but I have to trust he has listened to our advice and stays as safe as possible. I think I would be more of a basket case if Madox was going to school during covid-19. WIth Madox’s asthma, which always worsened in the fall, I may have considered keeping the boys home from school. I really don’t know if or what I would do.

 

This September brought something new. Something to celebrate, but also to fear. Valin got his licence. I thought I was nervous when he left on his bike for an evening. I’m even worse as he drives away to be with friends, or drive himself to soccer practice. When he’s out, I look at the clock often “ok he should have made it to practice by now”, “he should be home by now”. I drive myself crazy. It’s the other drivers I don’t trust. Everyone is so distracted, in a rush, not thinking of who they may hurt with the weapon they are driving. I literally said that to Valin the first time he took my car out. “This is a weapon and can hurt and kill yourself and others. Respect it and those around you!” Yes, I can be dramatic but it’s not a lie. I use to have recurrent nightmares as a child of me being in a car accident and dying. So far, no nightmares of Valin in the car. PHEW!  I am proud of his accomplishment. I don’t think I would be so nervous with his driving if Madox was still with us. Losing a child strikes fear to your core. If you can lose one child, you can lose the other. So I will continue to worry. Continue to remind him to drive safely. Continue to watch the clock.

 

What’s going to happen when he moves out?????

 

Grade 11 first day of school 2020